Dear you,
How are you? How have you been? I've so many questions, so many feelings, I wonder how you must feel, reading this, a figment of the past, a visit from the before.
Did pregnancy suck? I am thinking, how did you two succeed eventually? It's so tough when we try now. Other people make it so easy. They get married and God blesses them with a baby in less than a month. I thought it was that easy. But well, as you know, it's not—not for everyone. So now that you've succeeded, I wonder, was it easy? Was it scary? How long did it take in the end? So many questions! And so many speculations! I am wondering so many things!
But well, I know you're excited to answer them anyway. I'm excited for you, too!! I can't believe it, finally, it's happened. It's such a crazy yet exhilarating thought to think of you—me—as finally a mother. You're now someone responsible for another human being's physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, every-al growth and well-being. You're now someone who actually is actually mandated to look after another person, to ensure that their time in this world is a fulfilling and enriching journey towards the final destination, which is the heaven that we're all still working towards. It's insane, I really can't believe it!!!
Right now, I wonder, when would the time be when you can actually read this letter? As I type all this, I feel like it seems so far from me. I don't know when God has that blessing planned for you, me, us. I don't know when is best according to His timing. Other people ask us about it for more than a year now, and I know they mean well, but I share the same questions, too. I too want to know "when? bila?" I take no offence from these questions. In fact, when I am comfortable that the asker is sincere and willing to listen, I am quite open to share that we are struggling. I am open to share that we have medical issues that aren't so severe but enough to decrease one's chances. I don't really avoid talking about it, I wish it was talked about more. I welcome these questions, so I can share that yes, we are trying, and no, no results just yet. I wish people see it less of a "Want vs Wait vs Not Want" situation. People think we either Want or Not Want. People think we Want but we Want to Wait, too. But the thing is, there are many, such as myself, who Want but are made to Wait, due to reasons beyond our control. I want to talk about this. Though, even if no discussions are held, I ask for people's prayers. I ask them to pray that we can be blessed with a child one day. And pray that when we are blessed, we will be more prepared than we are now. InsyaAllah.
This world is a scary place. Especially today. There's so much misinformation. There's so much distrust in the religion and so much disorientation that steers Muslims away from core religious values. There's so much suffering in life, so much distress, so much pain, so much ego, so much arrogance, so much hate. And the nature of today's digital world also perpetuates more of that hate to get reported, shared, and spread all over. Beauty exists, but it is often overshadowed by the sensational struggles of our trying times. It's terrifying. I don't know if M and I can even do this. We don't even know if we can do this whole life thing. So I don't know if we're well enough to guide another set of human beings. I really don't.
Yet, I know the two of us still want children. Even with all the fear and anxiety, we still long to live the beauty and responsibilities of having kids, so we still try. One of the many ironies of life, I suppose.
The other day, the two of us went night cycling with another friend. I'm not sure how far into the future you're reading this, so I'm not sure if you can remember clearly (tho I know you will, and if not, Google photos can help you). As we were cycling at 2am around Marina Barrage, I remember pausing and staring into the sea and thinking, how different life would be had we already been blessed with a child. It would be very unlikely that we would be night cycling. Perhaps we would still be awake, to soothe the baby or to catch up on undone work and studies. And even if we didn't have anything to do, perhaps we would be too tired to even think of going night cycling. Had we already been blessed with a child, things would be so, so different.
As I thought of that other universe, I experienced a strange mix of feelings. I felt both gratitude and longing. I long for those nights to take care of my child, but I also feel thankful that I need not do it now. I long to be able to raise another human, but I'm also grateful that I can do all sorts of fun activities with just my husband while getting to know each other better. It was strange. As I paddled fast in the dark, I teared. I teared without a specific emotion, just for the strength of whatever it was I was feeling.
As you now are in the position of taking care of the beautiful child who came from you, I hope you can still find the time to somehow be the other parts of yourself—the parts of you—us—that keep you happy and grateful and fulfilled even without a baby, the parts that keep us content, curious, and adventurous. I hope that you can also carry some of these parts into the one of you who mothers, too.
Also, as much as I am so happy for you and I know that you must be so happy, too, I have this feeling that you may miss me. That you may miss the you before, the me right now. Once one is a parent, they can never not be a parent. Since that is the case, I often remind myself to make sure to live more in the present. I'll do my best to cherish the moments now, to get to know myself and M better, to build our finances and our potential home, to improve ourselves as individuals, a couple, and potential parents, and to make more beautiful memories together so they can be shared as stories with our little ones in the future. It's hard to not think about the potential future, especially when I long so much for a child, but I'll do my best, for you and for me, insyaAllah.
Praying for you, us, M, our future children, our parents, always. I love you, my dear. Take care of yourself.
Best,
The You of the Past who is always grateful, always longing
